Feeling misunderstood? How I made everything worse in 1 easy step!

I’ve spent my entire career in high-stakes conversations—legal negotiations, leadership rooms, board tables. But the place where I’ve learned the most about communication isn’t business.

It’s in my personal relationships.

For years, I didn’t realize how often I slipped into defense mode.

I thought I was explaining myself when, in reality, I was defending.

I didn’t know the difference. Most of us don’t.

When someone challenges us, questions us, or misunderstands us, our nervous system fires like a silent alarm. Before we even realize what’s happening, we’re already loading our “proof,” our backstory, our justifications.

But here’s the truth:

Defending is a survival move. Explaining is a communication skill.

And they land very differently on the other person.

Here’s the distinction I finally learned:

Defending is a reaction. Explaining is a response.

Defending sounds like tension.

It’s fast. Tight. Justifying.

It’s the tone of “You’ve got me wrong” or “Let me prove why I’m right.”

And when someone feels your defensiveness, they instinctively defend themselves back.

Two armored people can’t hear each other, and nothing gets resolved. Connection shuts down.

Defensiveness sounds like:

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You don’t understand.”

Explaining is different.

Explaining says:

“I’m open. I’m listening. Let me clarify.”

It offers facts, not emotions.

It sounds like:

“Let me give you the context.”

“I see why it landed that way but here’s what I meant.”

Exactly the same information. Completely different impact.

What I’ve learned is this: the nervous system wants safety more than truth or facts. Defending is how we CHASE that safety. But explaining is how we CULTIVATE it.

Now, when I feel myself tightening up, I ask one simple question:

“Am I trying to be understood or trying not to be wrong?”

If it’s the second, I pause. Breathe. I shift into clarity instead of combat.

Explaining is an act of emotional leadership.

Defending is an act of fear.

Explaining keeps the door to connection open.

Defending slams it shut.

One opens the door to resolution. The other locks it from the inside.

And every relationship, every business deal, every conversation elevates when we learn the difference.